


Highly unlikely; surprisingly true

by malcolm_fucking_tucker



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Banter, F/M, Humor, Texting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-18
Updated: 2015-04-18
Packaged: 2018-03-23 15:20:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,750
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3773182
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/malcolm_fucking_tucker/pseuds/malcolm_fucking_tucker
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Clara gets sick with the flu, so Doctor agrees on taking her class to a field trip. Banter and humor, hopefully.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Highly unlikely; surprisingly true

-“The planet of the ice-crystals!”-Clara heard through the sound of the TARDIS materializing in her bedroom- yet again.

 

-“...and there is a mountain on the far reach of the planet that has ice-falls in four different colors...The red one forms rectangle beryl when it connects to the ground approximately 227,3 feet below. Well, beryl is not strictly a crystal come to think of it, but neither is the planet...” With the TARDIS safely landed in front of her door, Clara could hear the Doctor’s frantic movements inside; fixing buttons and shifting clumsily to the blue door.

 

-“Clara!”- he said bursting through the above mentioned door and into her – _unnecessary room with a bed in it, but one I still love to land every time I come round; that’s not weird, how is that weird?_ -

 

-“Why are you still in bed? And why are you covered in paper napkins?”- he said examining her state intently. Honestly, why would she still be in bed on Saturday, 7:30-ish in the morning?

 

-“They’re tissues.”- Clara answered draining her not so inconspicuous nose in one of unlucky ones.-“I’m sick.”- she elaborated after seeing his still baffled face. He was truly struggling now to understand the complexity of human endeavor to stay in bed as long as possible.

 

-“Of course you are.”- he pretended to grasp the situation.-“I would be too, if I spent so much time in bed.”- he said like it was the most logical thing in the world.-“You should try cat-naps; they are much healthier you know.”

 

-“No, I’m sick with flu – hence, the bed.”

 

-“Wait I don’t understand. Where does the bed come into picture?”- Doctor was clearly confused as to a potential relationship between a bed and the flu. Do they enjoy small-talk together? Occasional night-out or what?

 

-“Oh for the love of...”-Clara mouthed shifting slightly between her five glorious pillows; trying to get comfortable. She felt awful all day yesterday, and today it only got worse. This morning was the pinnacle of the virus’s power-play, and she was downing all kinds of medicine known to men in attempt to control it ; _( because she must, naturally; how is that being a control freak? Really...)_ and regrettably ending up rather unsuccessful in her quest. Doctor approached scanning her.

 

-“So I take it you’re not coming to the ice-crystal planet?”- he said studying the sonic and confirming the diagnosis with his very impressive doctoresque skills.

 

-“Are you serious?”- Clara said widening her face and getting another sudden, but rather funny sneezing attack.

 

-“With days off. I don’t see why not anyway; cold air will do you good. Trust me, I’m the doctor.”- he said greening wildly.

 

-“Please stop saying ice and cold,”- she raised her arm in protest, recovering from another sneaky-sneeze. -“No, It’s worm and soft I need right now.”- she deduced snuggling further into her blanket, throwing it over her head in protest to the Doctor’s lack of appreciation of her current situation.

 

-“Hot or cold- doesn’t matter to me; as long as we get some distance from this germ ridden room.”-Doctor retorted, flaying his hands in the air; but not too violently, as to avoid provoking the germs. _Sorry_ -he mouthed apologetically to the disturbed air. The last thing he needs is a rebellion from the angry single-celled organisms. Maybe if he could talk to them; persuade them to leave Clara alone. No, that would not work. Who in their right mind would do that? He clearly couldn’t. 

 

-I can’t. And even if I could, I couldn’t.”

 

-“That doesn’t make any sense. I think the virus has reached your brain Clara.”- he said advancing carefully towards the bed. Who knows what she might do in this state- her head mangled-up and all. He was taking no chances.

 

-“Oh no! The field trip!”- Clara yelled jolting upright suddenly, making the Doctor stumble backwards in shock. _Like I said- unpredictable humans._ \- he concluded.

 

-“Yes, Clara,”- Doctor started slowly as if talking to a simpleton. –“...is your brain working again? Memories coming back?”- he said pointing at her disheveled hair. –“I did mention a trip to crys...-“

 

-“Not that; the kids.”- Clara uttered, slapping her forehead with a thud and a soft- ouch.

 

-“When did you manage to procreate kids Clara? I only saw you a couple of days ago.”- Doctor said scratching his head, and trying to recall basics of human mating cycles. He was sure it took some time. Or was he?

 

-“The school trip. We are going to a botanical garden today.”- she began getting up from under the covers.

 

-“No, no, no, no, no.”- Doctor retorted pushing her back into the pillows.-“We need to contain your new best friend to this location.”

 

-“Fine, I’ll just phone the school and tell them I...-“

 

-“That won’t be necessary.”- he took the phone from her hand and threw it over his back.-“I’ll go.”

 

-“Sorry?”

 

-“Why are you apologizing? Did you do something?”- Doctor frowned his eyebrows.

 

-“It’s an-excuse me, kind of sorry. What do you mean you’ll go?”

 

-“I’ll take them to Jurassic park if you’re unable.”

 

-“Botanical garden...”

 

-“That too. It’s not a big deal really. You just rest, yeah?”

 

-“You do realize they are kids, right?”

 

-“What are we talking about here- 30? 40 years old?”

 

-“15...”

 

-“Right, no problem.”- Doctor assured her, making a mental note to do some research on human aging.-“But when I come back, we’re going to the ice-crystal planet?”

 

-”So you’ll take them?”- Clara ignored his question.

 

-“I just said I would. Are you losing touch with your brain again Clara? Cause I could help with that.”- he said approaching with his middle finger extended towards her temple, but her expression told him not to even dare.

 

-“Right.”- she said reaching into her night desk and producing a second mobile phone. _How many does she have? Is one of them fau_ -...

 

-“You’ll need this in case of emergencies, and/or fire.”- Clara handed him the spare device.

 

-“How can I possibly start a fire in a botanical garden?”

 

-“You’ll find a way.”-Clara was accustomed to anything at this point with the Doctor.-“Do you know to use it?”

 

-“Clara, I’m a super intelligent being...Of course I can use this silly contraption.”- he says holding the phone upside down with his thumb and forefinger, as if something filthy.

 

-“It’s settled then.”- Clara loudly soaked another unfortunate tissue. –“Call me if needed.”

 

-“Sure I won’t.”- Doctor was already turning round to leave her bedroom. The germ levels were now getting uncomfortably high, even by his standards.

 

-“Just one question,”- he returned momentarily, still holding the phone as a piece of dangling dirty cloth.-“...is there a command to start this thing? A code perhaps?”

 

-“There’s a button on the side.”

 

-“So there is.”- he concludes lifting the thing up to the level of his eyes. He then exits mumbling something like: _Funny little humans and their medieval technology._

***************************

 

It took Doctor a couple of minutes to persuade the parents and head-master of his competence, teaching and natural pedagogue skills. The above mentioned was so swiftly accomplished by producing all sorts of recommendations and throwing said evidence into their stunned faces. All they could do, really, was agree to let the madman in disguise take their children on a field trip. After all, he did seem like a mature person; with his eloquent speeches and posture. Not too sure about the clothes...

 

With parents gone, Doctor approached the band of disorganized children.

 

-“Hello, hello- little annoying humans. I’m the Doctor, and I will be conducting today’s field trip.”- he glances down at their blank faces. Most were still starring at his ever so shabby clothes and plaid trousers; others were just mesmerized by his fluffy hair, and some have already found better things to occupy their minds.

 

-“Whoa, whoa, whoa!”- Doctor yelled noticing some of the horses- I mean _children_ \- twitch.-“That’s way too much movement for my taste. Get in line, please.”- he said pointing in all directions, but certainly not creating a straight line; more of a pentagon, or a trapezoid?

 

-“Now. Let’s make some rules- shall we?”- Doctor said with a wild grin. –“There will be no: talking, sniveling, grumbling, running away, nose-dripping, hair-scratching, shirt-staining, phone-using, and stupid questions. Clear?”

 

-“Siiiiir?”- one confused but determined child raised a hand.

 

-“Yes- you with a funny nose. What is it?”

 

-“Our teacher says there are no stupid questions. That we can ask whatever we like.”

 

-“Well, my little nose-dripper to be; I don’t doubt your teacher said that, seeing how highly unpredictable she is. The erratic uncertainty of her actions baffles even my highly developed cranium… Right, if there are no more questions, we shall proceed.”-Doctor decided, disregarding a few raised hands and turning towards the entry. - _It’s gonna be a looong day_ \- he sighed.

 

*************** 

 

Doctor was walking briskly through the garden path; his long strides making the group that was following in his footsteps practically jog to catch up. So it all looked quite comical indeed.

 

-“Boring… boring… boring… incorrect!”- Doctor commented on some of the plants while passing them.-“Ah, here we are!”- he stopped and turned to the puffed-up group of children.

 

-“Who can tell me what species, genus, sexual orientation and ethnic origin this shrubbery is?”

 

-“A bush?”- one of them ventured a guess.

 

-“Fascinating. Pudding brains with no actual pudding anywhere. Don’t they teach you anything in school?”

 

-“We’re year 8.”

 

-“That means absolutely nothing to me little man.”  
******  
/Text to Clara/  
_D: Their lack of knowledge astounds me. You really are doing a “phenomenal” job Clara._

_C: They are just kids; be gentle._

_D: Puff_

_D: When I was their age I could dismantle a thermo-nuclear nano-inducer using nothing but a safe pin and some nuts. I also…_ (the text went on and on, bragging how he could unravel a string of radioactive wires with his nose while reciting the periodic table, but Clara skipped to the very end)- _and that’s how I got my first amnesia._

_C: Shocking._

_D: What is?_

_C: I ran out of tea._

_D: That’s what I said! Where was I? Never mind-got to dash. Kids found my spare sonic._

 

******

 

A couple of not very interesting trees later, the kids were starting to get tired and a wee bit bored. So when the Doctor was enthralled in explaining them the shared history of a sycamore tree to the rain drop from the Amazon that was carried by a very angry butterfly, one of them said:

 

-“Plants are boring.”- expressing his obvious lack of desire to move on.

 

-“They are producing oxygen for you. Maybe you should be a tad more grateful.”

 

-“Look here,”- Doctor said more softly, noticing he may have been a bit too rough just now-“…plants are not boring.”- he took the child’s hand and placed it on the tree.-“Can you feel it? Can you feel the life inside it? All those molecules, moving in perfect harmony; delivering nutrients; creating life…Life can never be boring.”- he continued, letting the kids scramble around the tree to feel its life unfold under their fingers. A few gasps even escaped them.

 

-“There is nothing boring when it comes to nature. Every moment, every second, every Sun’s ray that crosses over the leaves is another moment spent in this amazing mess we call life. And we should not waste it. Not ever; not one single moment. Cause it goes so fast. One blink and it’s gone.”-he points at the falling leaf.-“Don’t let that happen.”

 

/Text to Clara/  
_D: These little beings are horrible. Can you come save me?_

_C: You cannot be serious. It was your idea to do this!_

_D: Don’t get upset Clara. You’ll get another headache, and then I’ll be stuck with these monsters even longer._

_C: They are not monsters. They are children._

_D: Debatable._  
******

 

After that spectacle with the tree metabolism, some of the kids were a bit more enthusiastic about the whole learning thing; but there were still non-believers. One of them insisted on playing on his phone while they circled a tree stump of a very ancient tree that, by Doctor’s recollections has seen many battles in its days.

 

-“It’s just a tree stump,”-he said not lifting his eyes of the shinning screen-“…not even a whole tree. And how can you know it has seen battles anyway?”

 

-“Do you see that scar?”- Doctor said pointing at the side of it.

 

-“Yeah, it’s ugly.”

 

-“Scars are not ugly.”- Doctor said calmly, caressing the damaged spot of the tree.-“Scars are beautiful. They prove you were stronger than whatever tried to hurt you. One should wear it proudly…I know I do.”- he finished under breath.

 

-“So where’s your scar then?”

 

-“Not all scars are on the outside.”  
******

 

/Text to Clara/  
_D: Clara! Emergency! I need you now!_

_C: Doctor, why are you texting me from Courtney’s phone?_

_D: The one you gave me got eaten._

_C: ……?...._

_D: Sorry, was there a question? I have some text missing._

_C: Didn’t you want to say-it malfunctioned?_

_D: Oh there you are! Phew… I thought I lost you there for a second. No I rather believe it was eaten._

_C: How did you manage that? It’s a NOKIA_

_D: I just put it in my coat pocket._

_C: Your- bigger on the inside pocket?_

_D: Obviously… Well my conclusion,- and I could be wrong here, but very seldom am at these kinds of things- is that something tried to eat it in there._

_C: You have something living in your coat pocket?_

_D: Very likely. I haven’t been in them for ages; should probably get to it at some point. I keep losing things in them. Only yesterday I lost my second best nunchucks in there. Just, pufff- gone._

_C: (…)_  
*******  
_D: Clara it’s me again! Turns out the phone wasn’t eaten, but rather decided to give up on its batteries- the useless thing._

_C: How did you drain the batteries in two hours?_

_D: My alien physiology extracts power from electrical appliances._

_C: Really?_

_D: Of course not. I played Mario-kart._

_C: Why are you playing video games when you’re supposed to watch the children?_

_D: They are fine. They’re sleeping._

_C: What? Why?_

_D: Did I say sleeping. I meant having lunch…All those common human urges. I get them mixed up sometimes._

_C: You also forgot to tell me what the emergency was._

_D: What emergency?_

_C: (…)_  
******

 

An hour later, Clara was feeling a bit less like death, and even ventured a trip to the kitchen. 

 

Food? - she asked herself ogling some toast, but her stomach disagreed with a warning. Also, there has not been a text from the Doctor for 7 minutes now, and she was starting to worry.

 

_Ring, ring_

/Text from Doctor/  
_D: Did I ever tell you about an invisible parasite that eats the life out of plants before going to the next one, and then the next; until there is no more, and then he just disapparates into the sky and floats the universe in search of the next planet?_

_C: No…Why?_

_D: No reason._

_C: Doctor?_

_D: Clara, don’t panic, but this could be the end of the world as we know it. Also life._

_C: Not amused._

_D: You should not be amused Clara. I’m serious! I saw the parasite on one of the trees. It’s still in small numbers, so I might be able to stop it._

_C: How did you SEE them, if they are invisible?_

_pause_

_looong pause_

_D: Crisis resolved. They were just tree bugs; harmless-I think. Go back to bed Clara._  
Clara closed her phone with a smile.  
****** 

-“I’m back!”- Doctor declared bursting into Clara’s apartment later that evening.

 

-“And in one piece, I see.”- Clara was in the kitchen, still contemplating if she could manage holding some food in this time round.

 

-“Not for the lack of trying. That last one nearly finished me.”

 

-“What?”

 

-“What?”- Doctor played dumb.

 

-“You can’t admit it, can you?”- Clara was smiling at the Time Lord and stuffing a biscuit in her mouth, chewing happily.

 

-“Admit what exactly?”- he pocketed his arms, performing his carefully practiced avoidance maneuvers.

 

-“That you actually enjoyed today.”

 

-“Did not. It was a constant agony.”- Doctor said turning his head as to hide a small creeping smile. _He did enjoy; even if he never admits it._


End file.
